Rob: I'm originally from St. Louis Park, Minnesota.  The way I remember it, I grew up mostly in a snow fort tunneled out of the plowed snow at the end of my family's driveway.  In the spring my parents would set me out on the porch to thaw.  It was fantastic!  In the summer as a boy I would walk down the abandoned railroad tracks studying the stones poured between the tracks, and down by the lake looking for hours for the one cool rock.  Then I would take it home and put in a steel box with a combination lock.  When I was a married man, my parents cleaned out their basement and found my lock box.  We looked inside.  They saw rocks.  I saw treasure.  

Seeing the treasure is what happiness is all about.  Meaning is everywhere you are willing to invest it.  That cloud on the horizon, the squeeze of someone's hand -- what's it mean?  Nothing?  Or everything?  You decide.

When I dug myself out the snow I received this B.A. from The University of California, Los Angeles. In 1987 I earned my Doctor of Psychology from the University of Denver.  I have practiced clinical psychology for more than 15 years, specializing in cognitive-behavioral treatment I learned as a Clinical Fellow of Psychology at Harvard Medical School, Department of Psychiatry. 

I currently live in Los Angeles with my wife Alisa, also a clinical psychologist, and my three children; Carly 10, Emma almost 8, and Ethan who just turned 3. In my free time I enjoy playing and being silly with my children, painting, scuba diving, white water rafting and Judo.

Bev: What favorite authors do you read? What kind of books do you provide for your children to read? 

Rob: Cuddling with your kids and reading to them is one of the most delicious things a human can do.  Reading aloud The Black Stallion with Emma and The Hobbit with Carly are some of the best moments of my days.  The Giving Tree is one from my childhood that still chokes me up.  The Boy Who Didn’t Want To Be Sad shares the refrain “and he was happy” with that book.  

My mother started reading me Edgar Allen Poe when the other kids were getting Dr. Seuss.  I loved it.  It stoked my imagination and made me fascinated with language.  Kids books don't do that today.  If a word is difficult for an age group, it is edited out.  But children are capable of very adult, challenging language.  It will become part of their language if it is used regularly.  So, I talk to my children with adult language and explain what words they don't know.  And when I read to my kids I occasionally read them a page of some of my favorite authors to give them a taste of language:  Shakespeare, Poe, Hemingway, Raymond Chandler, Dashiell Hammet, Gogol, Strindberg, D.H. Lawrence, T.S. Elliot, Harper Lee, Lillian Hellman, and most importantly Benchley.  No, not Peter Benchley, Robert Benchley.  

Bev: What inspired you to write The Boy Who Didn't Want To Be Sad? 

Rob: I took my kids to the movies.  We’re laughing, having a great time.  And on the drive home, there is silence.  So I say:  “We should get the DVD when it comes out” And there is silence.  And if you’ve got kids you know when it’s quiet – something’s wrong.  Then comes the gusher.  “I never want to see that movie again!  I never want to see any movie again!”  As a father – well, you know how it feels when your kids are hurting.  It doesn’t matter if they’re 4 or 44.  But I’m also a psychologist, and as a psychologist I know the problem behaviors we have as adults come from the strategies we developed as kids to run away from uncomfortable feelings just like this.  Instead, I made up a story on the spot.  That story turns out to be the most fundamental lesson in life in teaching yourself or your kids how to be happy.  And that story is now a book called The Boy Who Didn’t Want To Be Sad.

Bev: How did you decide that what you had to say would be best said to the kids themselves? 

Rob: It is in a children’s book so reading it to kids gives you a chance to teach it to your kids while you learn it for yourself.  Happiness is simple.  And - it can be taught.  Therapists do it every day.  Why wait until our kids are on someone’s couch to learn it?  In my psychology practice in Los Angeles I see stars, supermodels, multimillionaires, the people who have what everyone else is trying to get.  They are all in my office for one reason.  They aren’t happy.  No one taught them how.  Instead they were taught that they would be happy once they got success, money, or fame.  And research proves that financial success does not bring happiness.  But you don’t need to be a researcher to know that.  Look at the people you know around you?  Who are the happiest people you know?  The richest?  The most beautiful?  Take a look at your own life.  Look at the stories you tell about it.  Your happiest moments may well have been when you were the most broke and the most free, or when everything planned got screwed up and it was hysterical.

So why not teach kids how to be happy, instead of just how to get good grades?  Remember in grade school your report card has two parts, one part with reading, writing, arithmetic, spelling -- and the other part with effort, behavior, social relationships, that kind of stuff.  Is there any curriculum for that side of the report card?  Nope.  Yet effort, behavior, social relationships, are the very stuff that make people both happy and successful in careers, marriages, friendships, parenting, and life.

Bev: What other publications have you authored? 

Rob: Before I went back to graduate school I wrote for a syndicated game show, and wrote scripts for Hanna Barabara’s “Scooby and Scrappy Doo Show.”  This is my first book.  Its very exciting.  

Bev: You stated that teaching your child happiness is no different from teaching him to tie his shoes. Would you elaborate on that thought? 

Rob" Happiness has to do with a few fundamental psychological skills that anyone can learn -- at any age!  Everyone's life is full of ups and downs.  The difference between the people who are happy and the people who aren't is how they face the ups and downs.  The first secret to happiness is feeling our feelings even if they are unpleasant.  Don't run away from your feelings.  That is the lesson of The Boy Who Didn’t Want To Be Sad.   

Teaching your kids how to handle emotional pain is the same as physical pain.  Everybody knows how to help a kid do that.  A scraped knee scares your child, but it doesn’t scare you.  You kiss it, and make it better.  Magically, the child feels better and runs off to continue their play.  But when it comes to emotional pain, adults tend to get scared themselves.  Treat emotional scrapes like the physical ones.

 To put it in more concrete terms, here are three easy steps to teaching happiness to your kids:  I GET IT, I CARE, and I’M HERE.
 

THREE EASY STEPS 

I GET IT:  Show you understand.  Don’t skip this step.  First you listen.   Don’t be in a hurry.  By verbalizing their feelings they are learning to become emotionally articulate and to handle their feelings with words not inappropriate actions.  People who are listened to often calm themselves down.  (If they don’t, if in expressing themselves they act throw a tantrum or other inappropriate behavior, say you can see they are feeling bad, you want to listen, but will as soon as they can tell you appropriately.  Then do not give further attention until they are acting appropriately and can talk like a human being).  Confirm.  Be sure that you understand.  When someone is intensely emotional, they aren’t at their most cogent or insightful.  If the focus is on something that seems minor, not worthy of the intensity of their emotion, dig deeper, and think what is going on in the bigger picture of their lives that could be upsetting.  Validate their feelings.  Validate by acknowledging and telling them in your own words that you get it.  You can understand why they would feel that way.   When you get it, they react.  

I CARE:  Show you care.  Sympathize.  Show appropriate compassionate feelings in response.  Resist the urge to bring in your own similar stories or feelings here.  Don’t change the focus to you.  Stay on their feelings.  “I’m so sorry.”  “That’s terrible.”  Or for good news.  “That’s great.”  Psychologically you are saying to them “Your feelings are important to me.  You’re important to me.” 

I’M HERE:  Wait patiently, calmly.  You interrupt inappropriate behavior, but don’t put out the emotional fire because it makes you uncomfortable.  Don’t go away.  Don’t move on, or get busy, or use food or toys to soothe or distract them.  Stay on the subject.  Let them lean into the feeling.  Let them ride the wave.  They will be okay.  Like a wave, the intensity of the emotion will rise and then slowly fall.  After the wave passes, they will absolutely feel better, closer to you than ever, and be less afraid of their feelings the next time.  If you don’t, if you or they get relief instead by running away from their feelings, they will feel even more afraid of their feelings the next time.  They will seek the toy, the food, the tantrum, to avoid hurts in the future.  They will want to be more numb or disconnected.  When they feel better without bad behavior or running away, your child will feel more connected, more confident, more adventurous.

Bev: Everything that we have encountered in life teaches us that we have a right  to be perpetually happy, and that if we aren't, maybe there is a pill we can take for it. Your book teaches children to go ahead and feel the uncomfortable emotions. That will be a new concept to parents that have not learned to deal with their own feelings. We all try to keep our children from facing unpleasant things in life. Do you plan a companion volume for parents? 

Rob: I do plan a companion volume for parents called “Parent Your Children. Parent Yourself.”  I am in the middle of writing it.  The simple steps to happiness are lessons that apply to people of all ages.  Knowing them will make you a happier person and a better parent.

Bev: Is sadness just a counterbalance for happiness? MUST we feel sad in order to feel happy? 

Rob: Sorry.  Emotions come as a set.  You can’t just cherry pick the one’s you like.  But the hardest parts of life are the moments you may be most proud of.  

We are all in a hurry.  And we all figure we’ll deal with feelings later.  We’re in a hurry to get in the car.  We’re going to get happy later, after I get good grades, when I find my soul mate, after I make my fortune.  And to accomplish it, you push away your feelings.  You spend half your life pushing away feelings so you can do what you have to do, and then you have a mid-life crisis and ask:  Why do I feel like I’m just going through the motions of my life?  Feel.  And share your feelings – the hardest moments are easier and the most beautiful are even more spectacular when you share them.

Bev: Isn't getting the best education and the best jobs what every parent wants for his child? What course of action would you recommend for parents that are anxious for their child to succeed? How do you define success? 

Rob: Success is wonderful thing.  It just isn’t enough to make someone happy.  But the great thing is, that the very things that make people happy are the things that make people excel at their careers and in their marriages.  And that most important thing – is the ability to deal with your own feelings and the feelings of others.  Research shows that only between 4% and 24% of career success has to do with IQ.  Even being a valedictorian isn’t a prediction of job success.  Look at the people who are the most successful in careers around you.  Are they the best educated?  Is your boss brighter than you?  Not likely.  If you want your child to be a success, and what parent doesn’t 

-- teach your children how to face their own fears, frustrations, anxiety, anger, and sadness and they will be able to navigate the workplace to compete and be a star performer in whatever they do professionally -- and in their personal life too.

One last thing.  Today its all about getting your kid into the right college.  Ask yourself, how much does where you went to college matter to you in your success?  In your life?  How much does it matter where your spouse or friends went? 

In college I had a professor who came into class once laughing.  It was just after a three-day weekend.  He said he had just run into another professor who was racing down the hall panicking about the day off.  “How do they expect me to get all of Western History into one semester.” So my professor told him to relax.  His dissertation had been on how much kids remember of what they learn in college.  In five years they won’t even remember your name let alone what you’re going to teach them today.  

How would I define success?   Being a success means being able to sit in a rocking chair when you are 99 and call it a life well lived, to be able to say I did what I wanted with my life.  I worked for some time with people who had three months or less to live.  And you know what they cared about?  It wasn’t money.  It wasn’t how they looked in the mirror.  It wasn’t how fancy a place they lived in.  They were different ages, different races, different occupations, rich and poor.  But what mattered to them was always one thing and one thing only.  It was people, the people they loved and felt connected to. That’s pretty much it.  Teach your children how to connect and how to love, and they will have a life well lived. 

Bev: Merriam-Webster defines happiness as a state of well-being and contentment. For most of us, isn't that a state of counter-productive complacency? 

Rob: Happiness doesn’t lead to complacency, the belief that it does is a myth.  In fact, its the other way around.  Unhappiness can often lead people to be unmotivated to achieve.  That is the story for people who are depressed, anxious, or have low self-esteem.  Happy people go for it!

Bev: How can our children be happy and still be motivated to achieve? 

Rob: Happy children are often more motivated.  They are having successes which inspire them to try more.  They are less afraid of failing, so they take more risks, and therefore have more times at bat, and often more success and achievement.  

Socially, happy children feel liked and accepted.  So when they are rejected socially they are more likely to attribute the rejection to something other than themselves – such as the other person, the situation, or chance.

Bev: It seems to me that every child who has any kind of discipline problem is dosed with anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications these days. What do you think of this trend? 

Rob: Scary isn’t it.  The most important part of changing behavior is learning.  Discipline and other family problems are solved by teaching children how to handle their parents and parents how to handle their children. The risks and benefits of medicines are a very personal decision for every family.   But even when medicines are used to help, they don’t teach parents or kids how to handle emotions, resolve conflict, or behave.  Learning doesn’t come in a pill, if it did we could have all gotten a prescription and graduated school without studying.

Bev: What do you see as the long term effects of these medications? 

Rob: Anti-depressants have been seen as quite safe as a class of drugs for adults, but recent research has opened the question as to the safety of these drugs with children.  It is important to discuss this carefully before putting any child on these medicines.  But learning has no side effects.  You don’t need a prescription for it.  And you can take as much as you want.  Teach your kids and yourself how to be happy.

Bev: Can you explain the Positive Psychology Movement? 

Rob: Most people think about psychology as about mental illness.  The positive psychology movement is about happiness. Its about enhancing ourselves.  Its about how to amplify our strengths and talents, our self-control and leadership, our relationships and meaning in our lives.    

Bev: Do you plan other self-help books for children or adults? 

Rob: Yes!  I plan for The Boy Who Didn’t Want To Be Sad to be the first in a series of books to entertain and teach children and their parents.  

Bev: Do you have any other thoughts you would like to share with us?

Rob: The secret to happiness is in your hands right now.  You can do it.  You don’t have to read a million self-help books or achieve some goal to get it.  Feel.  And stay with your feelings, even when it hurts.  The more you stay, the more you’ll feel.  And the more you feel, the more you’ll feel happy.  Teach your kids how to be happy, and teach yourself.  Teach them how to embrace their feelings, and embrace life.  Be bold.

Don’t wait for life to be better one day.  This is your life, right now.  And it’s pretty wonderful!